Decoding Myself (and Everyone Else): My Enneagram Journey
Why I Needed to Understand the Enneagram
Okay, so full disclosure: I’m a bit of a self-help junkie. Always have been. Blame my mom. But honestly, I think it stems from a deep-seated need to understand… well, everything. Including myself. And let’s be real, sometimes *I* don’t even understand me. So when I kept hearing about the Enneagram from friends, podcasts, and even (weirdly) my dentist, I figured I should probably check it out.
I was at a point where my relationships felt…stuck. Like, I kept having the same arguments with the same people, and no matter how much I tried to communicate better, it felt like we were speaking different languages. My best friend, Sarah, was especially frustrating. We’ve been friends since kindergarten, but lately, every conversation seemed to devolve into a passive-aggressive battle of wills. Ugh. What a mess! I knew we both cared about each other, but understanding *why* we kept clashing felt impossible. Maybe, just maybe, the Enneagram held some answers.
Plus, honestly, I was tired of feeling like I was constantly failing at… well, at being a good friend, a good partner, a good *me*. I needed a framework for understanding my own motivations and behaviors, and hopefully, a little insight into why other people acted the way they did. Enter the Enneagram.
My First (and Slightly Embarrassing) Enneagram Test
So, the first Enneagram test I took? Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty. It was one of those free online quizzes that promised to reveal my deepest personality secrets in under 10 minutes. You know the kind. I raced through the questions, half-reading them, and ended up with…a completely ambiguous result. Something about being a mix of a “Helper” and a “Peacemaker,” which basically sounded like I was nice but also kind of a pushover. Not exactly groundbreaking stuff.
I remember showing the results to my partner, Mark, and he just laughed. “Honey,” he said, “you’re neither of those things. You’re way too opinionated to be a Peacemaker!” Ouch. Point taken. Clearly, I needed a more legitimate assessment. And maybe a little more self-awareness. It’s kind of like trying to diagnose yourself with WebMD – you always end up thinking you have some rare and incurable disease.
The experience actually did highlight something important: I was approaching the Enneagram with a flawed perspective. I was hoping for a quick fix, a label that would magically explain everything. But the Enneagram, I was beginning to realize, was more of a journey than a destination.
Diving Deeper: Finding My True Type
After my initial test failure, I decided to do some actual research. I bought a book ( “The Wisdom of the Enneagram,” if you’re curious), and started reading about each of the nine types in detail. I quickly realized that my initial, superficial understanding was completely wrong.
Each type is driven by a core fear and a core desire, and understanding these motivations was key to identifying my true type. It wasn’t just about surface-level behaviors, but about the underlying beliefs and values that shaped those behaviors.
As I read, I found myself identifying with different aspects of several types. It was confusing, to say the least. Was I a Three (The Achiever)? I definitely valued success and accomplishment. Was I an Eight (The Challenger)? I could be pretty assertive, okay, maybe even a little confrontational at times. But none of them felt quite right.
Then I got to Type Five: The Investigator. And…bam. It was like someone had written a biography of my inner life. The core fear of being useless or incapable? Check. The core desire to be competent and capable? Double check. The tendency to withdraw and observe before acting? Yep, that’s me. I felt a strange mix of relief and… discomfort. Was I really *that* predictable?
The Aha Moment: How the Enneagram Changed My Relationships
Knowing my type (or at least, believing I knew my type), was just the first step. The real challenge was applying that knowledge to my relationships. And that’s where things started to get interesting.
Remember my friend Sarah? The one I kept clashing with? Well, turns out she’s a Type One: The Reformer. Which means she’s driven by a need to be good, right, and perfect. And guess what? That perfectionism can be… well, a little judgmental sometimes. I mean, honestly, who am I to talk? But understanding that her criticisms weren’t personal attacks, but rather expressions of her own internal standards, helped me to take them less personally.
I started approaching our conversations with a new level of empathy. Instead of getting defensive when she pointed out my flaws (and believe me, she can find them!), I tried to understand where she was coming from. And you know what? It actually worked! We still disagree, of course. That’s what friends do. But now, we can disagree without it turning into a full-blown argument.
It’s kind of like having a secret decoder ring for understanding other people. It doesn’t solve all my problems, but it definitely makes navigating relationships a whole lot easier. If you’re as curious as I was, you might want to dig into attachment styles as well. It can offer further insights into how people connect and relate.
My Biggest Enneagram Mistake (and What I Learned)
Of course, my Enneagram journey hasn’t been all rainbows and unicorns. I’ve definitely made some mistakes along the way. The biggest one? Trying to “type” everyone I meet. I mean, I was obsessed. I was analyzing my coworkers, my family, even the barista at my local coffee shop. “He’s definitely a Seven,” I’d think, “with a Six wing.”
It was ridiculous. And, frankly, a little annoying for the people around me. My partner finally had to tell me to chill out. “Not everyone wants to be psychoanalyzed, honey,” he said. He was right. I was so focused on fitting everyone into neat little boxes that I was forgetting to actually listen to them.
I realized that the Enneagram wasn’t meant to be a tool for categorizing people. It was meant to be a tool for understanding them. And understanding starts with empathy, not labeling. It’s easy to get caught up in the system itself, but that misses the point.
Enneagram Resources I Actually Found Helpful
Okay, so if you’re thinking about diving into the Enneagram yourself, here are a few resources I found genuinely helpful (besides the book I already mentioned):
- The Enneagram Institute: This is a great place to start for basic information about each type. They also have a reliable (though not free) test.
- Enneagram Podcasts: There are tons of them out there. I like “The Enneagram Journey” and “Typology.” They offer different perspectives and insights into the system.
- Local Workshops/Groups: If you’re lucky enough to have an Enneagram community in your area, definitely check it out. Discussing the Enneagram with other people can be incredibly enlightening.
But honestly, the best resource is yourself. Pay attention to your own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. And be open to learning and growing. The Enneagram is a powerful tool for self-discovery, but it’s only as useful as you allow it to be.
The Enneagram: Still a Work in Progress
So, where am I now on my Enneagram journey? Well, I’m still learning. I still mess up. I still occasionally try to type random strangers (I’m working on it, okay?). But overall, I feel like I have a much better understanding of myself and the people around me. The Enneagram has given me a framework for understanding my motivations, my fears, and my desires. And it’s helped me to build stronger, more meaningful relationships.
It’s not a magic bullet, of course. It doesn’t solve all my problems. But it’s a valuable tool for navigating the complexities of human connection. And that, to me, is worth its weight in gold. Who even knows what’s next? Probably more self-discovery, more awkward conversations, and hopefully, a lot more empathy. And that’s okay. Because honestly, isn’t that what life is all about?
So, what’s *your* type? And has it helped *you* in relationships? I’d love to hear your experiences! Share your thoughts in the comments below!
